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Dynamite with a laserbeam

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Friday, April 21st, 2006
1:20 pm
"I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregaurd
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find the end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not that way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregaurd
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet You love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do You make it light
As I exhale I hear Your voice
And I answer You, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise
Cause I love You
Oh God, I love You

And life is now worth living
If only because of You
And when they say that I am dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to You
I won't look very far
Cause You'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again"

...this song basically explains my entire life. and not just a little bit, every single word or phrase pins me down perfectly. there are so many things that I want to say to so mnay people, but this is a better explanation than I could ever come up with.

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Monday, March 27th, 2006
10:49 pm - totally like whatever
So tonight was the start of Resurrection Week at UT. All of the campus ministries get together and give out free coffee and have bands and art and speakers at night. This year's speaker is Chris Seay, and he is the pastor of a church in Houston (which I will totally be checking out this summer). He said some good stuff. I love his topic: How does religion getting in the way of knowing the one true God? Such an important question nowadays.

They also had a guy speak on Darfur. He could have done better, but it was just cool that the issue was getting attention at this gathering. There was also music, but I didn't hear it because I was a bit late. But you have all the things I love in one place: good music, social awareness, and people passionate about Jesus. Chris recited part of this great poem and that's the reason for this post. So I know it may be kind of long, but read and then just think about it.

Totally like whatever, you know?
By Taylor Mali
www.taylormali.com

In case you hadn't noticed,
it has somehow become uncool
to sound like you know what you're talking about?
Or believe strongly in what you're saying?
Invisible question marks and parenthetical (you know?)'s
have been attaching themselves to the ends of our sentences?
Even when those sentences aren't, like, questions? You know?

Declarative sentences - so-called
because they used to, like, DECLARE things to be true
as opposed to other things which were, like, not -
have been infected by a totally hip
and tragically cool interrogative tone? You know?
Like, don't think I'm uncool just because I've noticed this;
this is just like the word on the street, you know?
It's like what I've heard?
I have nothing personally invested in my own opinions, okay?
I'm just inviting you to join me in my uncertainty?

What has happened to our conviction?
Where are the limbs out on which we once walked?
Have they been, like, chopped down
with the rest of the rain forest?
Or do we have, like, nothing to say?
Has society become so, like, totally . . .
I mean absolutely . . . You know?
That we've just gotten to the point where it's just, like . . .
whatever!

And so actually our disarticulation . . . ness
is just a clever sort of . . . thing
to disguise the fact that we've become
the most aggressively inarticulate generation
to come along since . . .
you know, a long, long time ago!

I entreat you, I implore you, I exhort you,
I challenge you: To speak with conviction.
To say what you believe in a manner that bespeaks
the determination with which you believe it.
Because contrary to the wisdom of the bumper sticker,
it is not enough these days to simply QUESTION AUTHORITY.
You have to speak with it, too.

current mood: peaceful

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Sunday, March 26th, 2006
9:41 pm - Be Near
So it's been a crazy couple of weeks. Very busy. Very hard emotionally. There's just so much going on that I have absolutely no control over, and I'm not exactly frustrated with that, it just takes a toll after a while.

One cool thing I got to do during Spring Break was go to Pass Christian, Mississippi, to help out with the relief effort. IT was good and fun, and some hard work. I made some good bonds with people. I got to witness first hand devastation and hope all in one place. And that is astounding.

Tonight, church was amazing. I feel like it was a personal message to me because it directly addressed some stuff I've been having difficulties with. I took A LOT of notes.

A couple quotes or basic paraphrases of what Matt said:

"On your best day, you are-at the most-staring at shadows in comparison to the life you might have in Christ."

"We believe real life is in Christ cognitively, but there is a huge different between what we know is real life and the reality we walk in each day."

It was very good. But it hit me very hard. I had a lot on my mind before that, and now it's magnified.

Anyways I don't have much else to say. I'm tired. Here's my verse for the week:

Acts 3:19
"Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord."

current mood: exhausted

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Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
8:31 pm - you're ridiculous
there's this show on comedy central called the colbert report. i only just started watching it, but so far it's hilarious. colbert has a list that he calls "things that are dead to me/on notice". so i have decided to start my own list and update it as i see fit.

1. Dead to me--> UT Parking and Transportation Services.

Here is just a brief summary about why. Last semester, I had to ride a bus across the highway into the ghetto to get my car. A, it wasn't very safe for my car to be there. B, it was a major event for me to even be able to use my car because it took forever to get to. And, for home football games, I had to move it. That was like 6 or 7 weekends. So this semester I spend an absolutely ridiculous amount to keep my car in a garage that is still a walk from San Jac. No joke the day after i buy this permit, I get an email saying that there are certain events for which i will have to relocate my car. So every week or so, I go and move it to a different garage, and the walk from that one is much creepier than the walk from my garage. One weekend I forgot until about 2 in the morning, but I was hoping maybe they would be lenient. Nope, $25 ticket right on the windshield. I know a girl who had to pay $125! Parking on campus in general sucks. So there, wasn't that stimulating?

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Monday, February 27th, 2006
4:44 pm - what's your name, what's your story?
So this weekend I got to be a session leader at the church whose youth group I was in my senior year of high school. I grew a lot in that youth group, so it felt good to go back and reinvest. I was in a cabin with eight 7th grade girls pretty much for 48 hours straight. It was a good learning experience. I learned I could never be a middle school teacher. I learned that 13 year old girls have about a two second attention span. They also have lots of questions. Despite not really being interested in the scriptural stuff, they had a lot of important spiritual questions. It was cool to be able to share stuff I've been learning with them.

I get really nervous when people accept Christ over weekends like that. Ten kids did, and that's awesome. But the way the youth minister was treating it, he made it seem kind of like a numbers thing. I guess it's hard because I've gotten used to something so totally different. The salvation is important, absolutely, but the relationship that follows after is important too. I guess you there's always a place to start, but I'd hate to think that people's relationship with Christ was begun out of fear. And as a sidenote, all the glory regarding those 10 kids accepting Christ, goes right back to Him. No one else can take any credit for it.

"there are two great lies that i’ve heard:
'the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die'
and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him"


"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead."
Isaiah 43:2-3

current mood: exhausted

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Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
10:26 pm - it's a bittersweet symphony, that's life
Boy am I busy this semester. I like it! I started working in the nursery of a church last Sunday. The kids are so adorable and fun. Even when they're wailing. I also volunteered at this thing called Smart Start, which is an afterschool program in this rough neighborhood in north austin. there's this organization that is trying to build it up, and the after school program is one of the ways they intend to do it. i liked that a lot too. I'm sad I can only give one afternoon a week to it. this is going to be a good semester.

i figured out the living situation. God keeps confirming it for me, even when little doubts creep in. I know it's going to be awesome. that stress is out of my life.

other than that, there's not a whole lot going on. I learned tonight that it's amazing how long bitterness and anger can be pushed aside and suppressed but it's still there. i talked to an old friend, and it got tense. it's been like a year since there's been any stuff between us, mostly because we barely talk, him living far away and all. well, it wasn't good, but it was at the same time. we both just got some stuff out that needed to be out. I don't think we're really going to talk anymore, but I think that's for the best. insert lyrics of "how to save a life" by the fray here.

i wish more exciting stuff happened to me. oh a few nights ago i got pulled over on campus for forgetting to turn my headlights on. i swear it felt like an episode of cops. after the cop got all my stuff, he was gone for like at least 10 minutes. allison was with me and we were parked outside my dorm. so for ten minutes we sit there with this bright light shining into the car. at one point this lady cop came with a flashlight and looked in the back seat. she then proceeded to stand there with her arms folded. creepy. i think there were like three police cars there and they kept their lights o nthe whole time. people would look into my car as they walked by and just laugh. it was one of the funniest experiences of my life.

that's all i got. goodnight. peace and love.

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Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
11:12 pm
Whoa I'm back! Now that I'm back at school, maybe I'll update this shiz a little more often. So where were we the last time we met? I have no clue.

Christmas break was pretty cool. I did some super fun stuff...that I can't exactly remember right now. I went to this thing called Dallas Winter Conference and that was a really amazing couple of days. It was a new type of spiritual experience for me but I enjoyed it a lot.

I read Blue Like Jazz over the break. Whether you're Christian, atheist, or confused, you should read this book. Miller's style is so smooth and he makes some insightful points without getting mired down in the theology.

I'm having some readjustment problems since being back at school. Just minor ones. It almost feels like starting over because we were gone for a pretty good while. All these new people are just freaking me out. And classes. Oy vey classes. I'm really tired and it's only the first day. This is going to be a loooong semester.

And I already have some stress. Aside from classes, I never knew that trying to decide where to live next year would be so frustrating. I have two good options, each with its pros and cons, more pros than cons for both although the cons for one are a little bigger than the others. Still makes me nauseous to think about it. And I have decide real soon so that everyone can go ahead with their respective plans. Ahhh. I don't want to hurt anyone or let them down. But I guess it's important to choose what's best for me. So selfish. I definitely need my own space. I've realized how protective I am of my living space. I just need something that is my own, and when people encroach on it, it kind of drives me crazy. But only just a little bit.

I'm have a major obedience problems with God right now. I asked him to be a little more clear in telling me which way to go in certain things like aforementioned situation but now I'm resisting it. I'm an idiot.

Oh, we are national champions. I just thought we all needed a reminder. So sit back, close your eyes, and ponder it for a moment. The end zone interception, the turnovers, the come from behind in the fourth quarter magic facilitated by the David Copperfield of college football himself aka my future husband, Vincent Young. Do you have the picture in your mind yet? Good.

I hope your life is good and that 2006 will be kind to you. It should be quite a year. It will be interesting to see where I'm at and where you are in a year. Love and peace.

current mood: tired

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Thursday, December 22nd, 2005
5:01 pm
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Only two days until the birth of Christ. I've been trying to hard to remind myself and my family what Christmas is all about. It's about preparing our hearts for the birth of Jesus and celebrating the amazing gift we've received in his coming to earth. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. I feel like this is the first christmas that I really don't care about my presents. I would be just as happy shipping it all off to children in Africa.

Speaking of Africa, I'm getting pretty obsessed with that continent. When I daydream, I think about being there. I just have this cool image of myself walking down a dirt road with a bunch of children around me, just loving on them and them loving on me. Wow, i want to go so bad. If you ever want to get me something unique, get me something Africa. I don't care what it is. I want to start a new bank account for missions. I really need to get a job.

I think I've changed a lot since I've gone to college, especially in the past few months. Things that I thought were important don't really seem that great anymore. God is cool like that.

Well, I gotta go. My fam is donating some stuff and I need to go get some stuff together.

Much love. Peace.

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Friday, December 9th, 2005
1:20 am
Dear John,

It's been 25 years.

The music just isn't the same.

We've yet to give peace a chance.

love and miss you.

shannon

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Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
4:30 pm
So school got cancelled today because the temperature is below freezing. I kind of like it. I have a final tomorrow but I"m doing this instead.

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to
answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how
embarrassing it is.

How many songs: 837

Sort by song title
First Song: '39-Queen
Last Song: You're my best friend-Queen again

Sort by time
Shortest Song: Breakfast at Timpani's-Relient K :22 seconds
Longest Song: Rhapsody In Blue-Gershwin 14:25

Sort by album
First Song: They're on to me-Ari Hest from his album 4.25.02
Last Song: Speed of Sound-Coldplay from X&Y

Top Five Most Played Songs
1) Bohemian Rhapsody (38)
2) Cross My Heart-The Rocket Summer (20)
3) This is the day-Shane and Shane (20)
4) Tell Me Something Good-The Rocket Summer (18-I'm going through a rocket summer phase right now)
5) Restkess-Allison Krauss (16)

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Let's Get It On-Marvin Gaye. such a good song, it's my seminar professors fave song and we made it our theme for the class..."if the spirit moves ya, let me groove ya let's get it on"

Search ....
"sex", how many songs come up? 2-"You Sexy Thing" and "Bitterness is sexy"
"death", how many songs come up? 4-one relient k song and then three songs by death cab for cutie
"love", how many songs come up? 58
"you", how many songs come up? 127

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Friday, December 2nd, 2005
11:31 am - Goodbye is the best way that I know
Wow, so it's 11:30 just woke up 15 minutes ago and missed all my classes. ohhhhh well.

i was tired from yersterday, which was such a great day i have to recap it. first of all it was Woeld Aids Day. Walking around campus and seeing all the people trying to spread awareness just made me really. I wish I had done a little more to help. It's such a desperate situation, especially in Africa.

Then after lunch I was walking to the tower and I ran into my friend Stephanie. So we walked that way and there was this guy named Cliff. He's a Christian speaker who travels around to different colleges, and has an open forum for discussion with students. People can ask him any questions and he'll debate with them. I sat there for like an hour and a half, and it was so cool. I felt way smarter after hearing the debates. And I learned what moral relativism finally.

Then Liz and I drove to Waco for the Shawn McDonald, Dave Barnes, and Monk and Neagle concert. Baylor is a really pretty school. They had lights up and a huge tree. The concert was awesome. For Dave Barnes, we were up on this bench like right beside the stage so we saw everything. It was super cold, but it felt like Christmas. Saw a lot of Baylor people from kingwood, and a lot of ut people from austin. And Kristen and Lauren came from A&M. It was great. We also saw Shawn McDonald driving through the Shell paarking lot. On the way home Liz drove and we had a great! talk. It was awesome.

I love wonderful days!


Goodbye is the best way that I know
To forgive and still be letting go.

is that the way it has to be?

current mood: groggy

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Monday, November 28th, 2005
8:51 pm
i'm really slacking on the updates.

i'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore so that means i can say whatever i want, right?

so thanksgiving break was last week. it was nice to be home, i spent a lot of time with my fam and they didn't really get on my nerves. that was good. i alos saw a lot of people that i love and hadn't seen in a while. that was nice. there were a couple i didn't get to see, but hey Christmas break in 2ish weeks.

i really have to get back into playing an instrument. i've been writing, and i'm ready to put some music to the words. if i had a tuner that works...but i'll get one asap. i'm getting bongos for Christmas. I want to get a program for my comp where i can record stuff, just to see what it would sound like.

yesterday on the way home we were pretty much stopped in one spot for over an hour. it was...interesting? i think there were too many people in my car. not doing that again. they had to bring in a helicopter. I really hope those people were okay. i'm never driving five hours on little sleep again, i almost got us all killed, and i'm pretty much traumatized for life.

does anyone know how to regain trust or to start trusting someone again? i really want to know. i'm so confused. i don't know how to not think about it, or to clear my mind of all my troubles and let God do his thing. it sucks when you realize the root of a problem and that there's nothing you can do about it. and yet maybe by thinking about it and analyzing, it will just die. not a viable theory, i know.

okay you're homework now, if you're reading this and you're not me, google Darfur. At least read about what's going on there, so that you're not ignorant to the atrocities. And pray for the families there, and that world leaders will step up to the plate.

Much love. Peace.

"Any control I thought I had just slipped through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet You love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly."

current mood: confused

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Sunday, November 13th, 2005
10:58 pm - get up stand up
Well, I have learned a lot about myself in the past few days.

I'm a liar. I lie to everyone, including myself. Don't trust what I say, it probably isn't true. Or it's probably some contrived, watered-down, or twisted version of the truth. I'm not kidding, and I'm not being dramatic. This is the truth.

I intentionally set out to hurt other people, in hopes that I will make myself feel better. People that I claim to love. It makes me doubt whether I have ever loved another human being. And yet I put all my hopes and security in these people. These fleeting friendships, that I will probably eventually screw up. No wonder I'm an emotional mess.

Get out while you still can.

I'm just glad Jesus doesn't judge me by what lies within. Which makes me feel worthless in and of itself.

Regardless of the depressed tone, I'm actually in a good place. It's amazing what God can show you if you just ask him to.

I want to go to Mount Bonnel so bad.

Singin' in the Rain is one freakin good movie.

Ok, I'm out. Much love.

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Monday, November 7th, 2005
11:18 pm
I think a lot of people, including me, need to read this:

Live. And Live Well.
BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.
On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.
If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.
Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.
If you bike, pedal HARD… and if you crash then crash well.
Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done—a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.
If you must wipe the snot from your 3-year old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex didn’t catch it all… because soon he’ll be wiping his own.
If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well.
At the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift.

-The last sermon Kyle Lake wrote before his death on October 30, 2005.

current mood: calm

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Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
9:52 pm - i'm just a notch in your bedpost.
well, nobody updates anymore. it's really sad.

but i had this random thought in the shower. i was thinking about this episode of saved by the bell where zach dreams that he dies and watches his own funeral. i was wondering how people would react if I died like right now. who would truly mourn my death? who would just be like "darn, that's too bad" and move on with their lives. i don't mean this in a morbid way, i'm not depressed or suicidal, i was just thinking about it. what if i got to watch my own funeral and three people came?

isn't that so typically self-centered of me? I want to know how many people I have touched, who was changed by knowing me? I want the glory. It shouldn;t be that way, I know this, and yet it still is. any thoughts?

I've realized some really intense stuff about my relationships and some of the desires of my heart.

Unto Him be all the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

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Friday, October 28th, 2005
1:18 am - insomniahhhhhhhh
I can't sleep. I know it's not that late, but it's late for me. Early to bed, early to rise. So what is there to say?

Well, this week was a good branching out week for me. I met some cool people.

No major drama that I can remember. I'm learning to deal. A++.

I've decided that I am going back to North Carolina this summer. That probably means nothing to any of you. But it means a lot to me.

Umm, my parents are coming this weekend. I'm pretty pumped.

It's gotten colder here and I really enjoy it. Thanksgiving is right around the bend. I've seen the squirrels around here collecting nuts. I've never actually seen them doing that before. I thought it was an urban legend.

God is good. That's probably the most important thing I've got to say. Everything else was pretty much pointless.

After all my empty words are spoken
You come to me in silence

Much love.

current mood: weird

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Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
11:46 am - Jehovah shammah
You know what I hate, feeling taken for granted. It's a sucky, mean feeling that shouldn't exist, but sometimes it's like you put everything you have towards another person and it's like they just assume that you will always be right there whenever they need you. I won't always be there, and then you're screwed. So good luck with that. That goes for all of you.

Anyways, the weather here is amazing. I wish it would stay like this forever. This weekend has been good. My sister came for the UT Tech game, and I went out to eat with her and her roommate. They crack me up.

I had these rolls at dinner on Friday at dinner that were amazing. That was pretty exciting. I also once again got screwed over by the bus system. Went to 6th street. It was fun, but a little weird. Drunk people are not hot.

My voice is totally shot. I think it's a combination of being sick last week and inhaling a crapload of smoke on 6th street because everyone and their grandmother smokes there. So that was fun at the football game. Actually the game was really fun. We were really close and everyone stood the whole time. I got really into it.

"I'm never in my waking life
Dreaming is my all the time
Whether it's the weather or my mind
It's all too much."

Those are pretty much the high points. I have nothing left to say so peace.

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Monday, October 17th, 2005
8:32 pm
well, i had an excellent weekend. on friday night I went to this church called The Rock for a gospel concert with Liz. The girl from cru is in it. Her choir sang and then this other praise choir sang a couple times, and it was awesome. There were also some other groups that had some really different worship. It was awesome to see people really getting into unconventional worship. I'm not gonna lie, I was definitely dancing. it was super fun.

then some girls from cru had a "black and white" party at their apartment in Riverside. Also fun. We watched Roman Holiday, excellent movie. Gregory Peck, thumbs up.

I went to the football game on Sat. afternoon. It was fun but really hot. only stayed until halftime...oh well. i had to get back to watch the notre dame/usc game. what a heartbreaker.

then i went to the relient k concert! i had been looking forward to that for over a month. me and justine rode the bus and got there way too early. There were two bands before RK. The first was called House of Heroes, they were pretty good and their lead singer was very good looking. Then Rufio, and they were good too. Then Relient K. They gave a great show. I want to marry Matt Thiessen, like for real. He played piano, guitar, and sang. They sang a really good range of songs, old and new stuff. The headliner was MXPX, but we onlystayed for half their set. Afterwards, we went to kerbey lane. it was a great day.

that was my weekend pretty much. church was really good too. i don't have a whole bunch else to say. i don't think anyone reads this so i guess not having something to say isn't bad. sometimes silence says way more than words. ain't that the truth.

all right, I'm out. much love.

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Thursday, October 13th, 2005
10:23 pm - we're on to something good here
So...i'm avoiding doing schoolwork right now per usual. i can't make myself do it anymore, pretty much not good.

I used to write stories a lot when I was younger, but then I kind of lost touch with that part of myself. I love to write, I don't know why I stopped. I've been experimenting with different kinds of writing. Tonight I wrote a song, or lyrics to a song. Catharsis is the only word I know to describe it.

I'm in this thing called a cell group through Campus Crusade for Christ. We do bible study, worship, and bonding activities. I love it...the girls are amazing. There are a lot of older girls, and they make such an effort to reach out to the freshman girls. I love it when people reach out. I think nowadays that is very rare. Everyone, including myself, is so focused on getting what we need and satisfying ourselves. These girls are so giving, and it's amazing to see. It's not an act or forced, it's just who they all are. It's something I'm going to strive to do for others, because it's making a huge difference for me.

How are you? No, seriously, I want to know how you are doing, the good and that bad. Call me/e-mail me/write me a letter/im me/fax me/send me word by way of carrier pigeon or owl. Now you have no excuse not to. So just do it already.

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Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
11:56 pm - one of those days
have you ever had days where you feel like no one in the world cares how you are doing or wants to just talk for the heck of it because they like talking to you? today was one of those days for me. it makes me sad that i ever feel like that, but i do.

it also makes me sad how much validation i want. we were talking about this at cru. i find my security in all the wrong places, and i almost try to trick people into saying nice things about me. that's so messed up.

as i've said before, i love to give advice, but i hate talking about my problems. i don't know what it is, whether it's pride or fear, or all that and more, but i have a really hard time with it. especially talking to people directly involved.

i think my psych class is making me a hypochondriac. when we were going through mental disorders, i diagnosed myself with several. then we were talking about brain development, and I seriously think that parts of my brain did not fully develop. the fact that i think i have hypochondriasis proves my point because we discussed that in class.

well, on a final note, and i'm not trying to be a comment whore or anything, but it would be nice to have a little feedback. i'm not saying, i'm just saying.

much love.

current mood: lonely

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